Downer at the door

It’s creeping in again, it’s such a familiar pattern now.

A few social interactions that left an unwelcome aftertaste, alongside too much repetition of habits you now fear will be written on your tombstone (if you get one), and the aftertaste begins to spread to all corners of your skull.

Normal habit would be to seek a shut down; sabotage all signs of showing up, like a losing army in retreat.

Sometimes I get so sick of myself it’s like you see yourself reduced to your own bodily excrement and nothing else.

I was 41 on Friday. So far this is has by no means my worst winter.

Since my late 20s each most of them have felt like private humiliations, and there’s been a long list of self destructive actions to go with it. But thiis one hasn’t been quite so bad.

However,  something is coming up now, after a lot of birthday social stim in places that know my face all-too-well. And now comes the need to disappear.

Yet, I know that this isn’t what I should do. I know that this year I should not listen to those emotions, I should see it through.

The task is still to get to a point where I am no longer trying to get out of my life, and I know that this year has to be the year where I stay with myself.

I’m hoping I’m just in need of a good night’s sleep.

But there’s a downer at my door. Yet, the best thing I can do tonight is make sure all the windows are closed.

Novara Media’s ‘2024, the year that ‘Woke’ died…’

So the reason I wanted to think about this on my blog, as opposed to writing about it on a social media feed is for how easy it is to fall fowl when using certain language on there.

We all know that. Indeed this is exactly what Novara are discussing in their 2024 round-up. Woke at it’s core, is a preoccupation with the use of language.

Now you feel in safe hands with the likes of Ash Sarkar, primarily because for reasons totally out of her hands, she had become a kind of poster girl of ‘Woke’ culture, largely from the perspective of those who were being pushed in the opposite, ‘anti-woke’ direction.

Wether it is that these 3 Novara pundits are now veterans of their trade, their thinking, and have matured much since the heady days of Novara’s initial growth (between the 2010 student protests and the beginnings of Corbyinism), their approach to the experiences and attitudes of a wider pool of society and not just Millennial graduates has become evident.

But I think Ash, specifically, has become incredibly good at at importing her empathy and own self-reflection into her own political analysis.

As ‘Millennial graduates’ they understand that we have a large proportion of people who were encouraged to go to University, many of whom were encouraged to go into the humanities, from where the use of language becomes an obsession.

Ash and Aaron conclude on something that I’ve thought about for a long time, but is so bloody hard to communicate without it provoking an eyebrow of suspicion that you’re on a downward spiral towards saying something like “I’m not racist, but..”. It’s not that the values behind woke are wrong, “it’s the style of politics” as Aaron says. Aaron talks about how it’s a politics seems to have no intention to persuade.

I understand how this occurs, especially because of the instantaneousness of online communication, and the immediacy needed trying to make practical incursions into the direction the 21st century can often seem to heading down – we turn for the language weapons with the biggest immediate impact.

But in doing so, we fall into camps. And are very quick to form suspicions and push away somebody who hasn’t learnt the appropriate codes for this moment in time.

I’ve seen friends, and associates, often largely, but not always, ones who didn’t go to university (especially humanities departments) who feel more and more aligned with alt-right attitudes, always there waiting to take over your Youtube, once you type in something relatively innocuous. People who are by and large decent people who hate the idea of suffering, have felt the target of one camp because they don’t quite fit, and have consequently become almost wholeheartedly associated with everything opposite to it.

For me the ‘Summer riots’ of 2024 were of particular, if not deeply distressing, interest. Here in South Yorkshire there were two ‘protests’ on the same day. One in the heart of Sheffield, and one in the heart of the Dearne Valley. In Sheffield a large group of pro-immigration, left-leaning people gathered outside the city hall. In the Dearne Valley the anti-immigration protests focussed on a hotel housing asylum seekers, refugees.

Now, anyone who knows much about the history of South Yorkshire will know that the hotel which endured those pogrom-like events is literally yards from where an event began 40 years ago that is crucial to the contemporary left-wing narrative: The Miners’ Strike.

Not to go too much into the changing cultural geography of South Yorkshire, but the Dearne Valley, and in fact most of South Yorkshire beyond a sliver of urban Sheffield, has changed vastly from 1984. Disused coal mines have been built over by retail parks, and call centres, and lifestyles for those who can buy into it, have largely shifted, and become less community, politically-focussed, and more consumer, family, and car-ownership focussed. Now, this isn’t across the board, but it’s a truth that runs across a lot of the UK that identity has changed for many who find themselves teetering on that line between lower middle class and what my language-obsessed conscience is shouting at me for describing as a ‘white working class’.

Sheffield city centre, or at least a chunk that extends West and South from the city centre, is like an island amidst a contemporary South Yorkshire that bears no relation to it. This part of Sheffield is very much like the the environment that the London-based Novara Media would be more naturally at home in: Urban-to-surburban, multi-cultural, high graduate retention, and a higher reliance of public transport and community institutions.

I can’t even get into the newer kind of alienation that I believe besets a post-political mass of suburban, car-owning Britain. But all I know is that there were two camps in that Summer Sunday in South Yorkshire. Ten miles apart, but a million miles apart in ability to communicate with one another.

Do the people who, maybe out of a broth of anger, racism, misplaced humiliation and alcohol, nearly killed people, deserve being put into comparison with graduates concerned with their use of appropriate language, but probably generally thinking they’re making social progress?

All I know is that 40 years ago I can guarantee that a large proportion of these people’s parents, grandparents would have been directly involved in the battle to keep the livelihoods going – a cause that united people from all different social groups at the time.

I’m not even sure where I’m going with this, just a boxing day ramble. But I was just so glad that some of the most trusted media figures on the left are willing to discuss that there may be some deep problems with ‘woke’, whether you agree that it is dying or not.

What’s your favorite cartoon?

I’m going to say Earthworm Jim

I used to get up on school holidays in the UK in 1996 and watch it religiously.

What I remember most fondly is it’s almost Monty Python-esq surrealism. most notably when the theme tune just randomly stopped, and we saw Jim snoring on a hammock, until he swallowed and choked on a randomly butterfly!

Artistic rites of passage

As I walk past someone my age, with their near-teenage offspring, I am thrown into a state of hasty self-evaluation. Before I know it I’m putting together emotional scaffolding from whatever I can recall – a random song I wrote 17 years ago, ot an obscure blog where I said something I thought was smart.

We probably live out most of our lives through a normative lense. And in such atmospheres I find that self-pity becomes the lesser evil: far less painful to seek pity than being humiliated by naming achievements that blow away like a bone dry sandcastle in a gale force wind.

Nothing much that is eventful has happened in my life that feels like a rite of passage.

Yet this evening, I had a moment that warmed my heart.

Almost exactly 18 years ago I experienced one of the happiest times of my life: I had an artistic rite of passage.

I had a creative and stylistic breakthrough in the dying weeks on 2006 that ensured that I would continue making work right up until the present.

In a make-shift university satellite building in my home town I finally found “it” (if that makes sense), with a large piece of paper, a few biros and a CD burn of Kraftwerk’s The Man Machine.

My tutor Morris merely suggested going big scale. My close friend Lee burnt me nearly all my music, this time it was Kraftwerk. My other art tutor Garry Sykes was always planting creative seeds, in a way that you only realise a long time after. As a big Kraftwerk fan, he walked into our studio, which no other student was using at that point, and looked incredibly pleased at my breakthrough.

Sadly, Garry passed away this year.

In just over a year I have an opportunity to exhibit in a gallery literally 50 metres from the student art space where this happened. I wish he was here to witness it.

After all that has gone off personally in recent years, I now see this as my next artistic rite of passage.

Of late, after years of self sabotage and fuck ups, I looked at my recent progress, and tentatively surmised that something new is afoot. Admittedly I was using the same kind of pens and paper and listening to the same album.

My work has often been construed as merely negative. In the past this hurt. Let me explain why.

I don’t even know how to explain how I’m an artist, or if I even ‘like’ art,per se. All I know is that I’m compelled to keep doing it.

For me, it is inseparable from a revolutionary spirit.

It’s a continual conversation with a world that won’t respond and won’t accept it’s lack..in turn I must create that lack

In this present tense endless publicity, production and engagement are seen at the only artistic modes. Yet I became an artist through negation.

Negation is an overly philosophical word that I use with fear that I don’t even understand it. But what I mean is that art allows me to refuse, period – in a way that nothing else in life has ever allowed.

I am at my most creative in such moments.

Long may it continue

Thanks

New line of prints

Really happy to share that I’ve now got these limited edition signed A1 prints for sale. They do great justice to two of my most cherished works. I am doing an edition of just 7 of each – I prefer odd numbers. They are £55 (including p&p) each. Comment or DM me if you’re interested 🙂

Feel somewhat weird for promoting work on Black Friday. I spent my 20’s reading Adbusters, for which Black Friday was #buynothingday. The marketing of work remains a moral maze, but these are two of my favourite works, and would love other people to be able to appreciate the.

Thanks and have a good day.

What will your life be like in three years?

When I was a few months off being 18, 9/11 happened. Since that point (with the exception of a few points in the 2010s where I thought the tide was turning towards a better world), I’ve admittedly worried about the future around me being worse, and this has impacted my sense of being able to live well in the present.

Now I wish I’d had not felt so many years that weren’t actually so horrible compared with the present feeling like something horrible was about to happen.

In 3 years I just hope that I able to reward myself with respect and care no matter what life on the planet looks like.