John B Ledger

I can’t recall early childhood crushes, but I distinctly remember one from the spring of 1996 when I was 12 years old. It was the kind of Spring that lived up to its name. I was in the first year of secondary school, and after a first term of hurtful bullying I undertook a lotContinue reading

Stay away from Farage and his Vampire’s Vortex

I didn’t intend to stay away from Farage and his Vampire’s Vortex as it swirled through my home town today, I just had no idea it was happening. I feel the rush of excitement to see my home town on the front pages, and the grip of Fomo as I’m sat in the distant exoticContinue reading “Stay away from Farage and his Vampire’s Vortex”

Lashing out in the void

What if a heart is turned to stone before it’s had the chance to be broken? Slow trauma. Fast trauma. What’s the difference in the end? You pour over maps, with the longing to finally get on the right track. Maps are both an aspect of our alienation and a comfort from it. Whatever thisContinue reading “Lashing out in the void”

Keeping a blog for 17 years

I started keeping my blog 17 years ago. I had just finished my Bachelors degree in Art and Design at the local university centre in my home town, and all I knew is that I wanted to progress and get more exposure as an artist. That summer was messy. My entire social world in myContinue reading “Keeping a blog for 17 years”

List three books that have had an impact on you. Why? Three books that have had an impact on me. 1. FEED – M.T Anderson. For me, this partly satirical novel from our near-past (2002) painted one of the most prophetic visions of what would come to be. FEED’s target audience was a teenage/young adultContinue reading

Spectres of Hitler

In the wake of the collapse of ‘really existing’ socialism, after the fall of the Berlin Wall, and then the greater Soviet Union between the late 80’s and early 90’s, a state of triumphalism emanated from the Western nations who had been locked in an ideological battle with the aforementioned for almost the best partContinue reading “Spectres of Hitler”

Do you remember life before the internet? Yes, but I largely recall it in anticipation for the thing in question. The internet, prior to its full realisation, prior even to the MySpace generation, was seen as ‘stand in’ for the future writ-large. It stood in for all things better, and thus was a conduit forContinue reading

I actually think some form of national service would be good. But it would be the opposite of this right wing wet dream

The reason I’m writing this isn’t an expected one.. Basically I’m pretty much at rock bottom. The life I have led for all my adult life has become increasingly untenable and intolerable, no matter how many times I’ve tried and tried afresh. This life I’ve led has been flakey from the start, but the idealContinue reading “I actually think some form of national service would be good. But it would be the opposite of this right wing wet dream”

No more apologies

No more apologies for any perceived erroneous move from a continual striving for respect. This has been the longest spell of depression I have ever experienced. And I no longer know what I have left that is worth its weight going forward. What has made it so sustained is that previously, and partly down toContinue reading “No more apologies”

The war against yourself

“Other people do it. Other people manage, Other people can, Other people can’t!!” My biggest dream is to go somewhere where nobody knows my name, where I have no friends, no memories, no hooks back into the person I am. What this means is my biggest dream is to be able to escape my ownContinue reading “The war against yourself”