“You wanna go home”; a stirring moment in a song by Pulp defines my wish as I hover around a confectionary store between my train connections. But home has long since merely been an idea, indefinitely dislocated by the dread and anxiety that pursues me. I gave in, badly today. Binge eaten on Flapjack, aboutContinue reading “December 2003”
Author Archives: John B Ledger
I hate to say I told me so
To relapse into my pre-2015 premonitions. The rise of what felt like a workable hope in-between 2015 and 2019, now mysteriously absent. But the way things are accelerating at the moment it feels like it has been wiped from history altogether and we are at the the other end of line of reality stitched backContinue reading “I hate to say I told me so”
My imaginary past as a ‘noughties’ indie star
(Part of a series of ‘Noughties’ excavations that will eventually be worked into a much larger project). I’ve been a doing a lot of ‘unearthing’ of late, most likely because I turn 40 in around 3 months. I’ve been trying to do a bit of excavation and salvaging of works and creative former selves, thatContinue reading “My imaginary past as a ‘noughties’ indie star”
October 1999 ( my first Great resignation)
I walk down Eastgate, and cross Regents Street, towards the back road down to the bus station. It’s a grey October, and I’m porous to this greyness. Any deeper colours are reserved to the warm cosy culture of comedown 90s TV. It’s like the decade has put its winter coat and gloves on – takingContinue reading “October 1999 ( my first Great resignation)”
The Return of the 00s
“The turn that events took had all the look of some kind of ritual assassination. The killing not of a body – the body was already dead – but of a name.” – Mark Fisher, ‘The Return of the 70’s’ from Ghosts of my Life. The turn of events Mark Fisher was referring to inContinue reading “The Return of the 00s”
20 year of coffees and Train tickets to nowhere in particular
“If only this next journey unveils something.” Chasing the idea. An idea that The idea might finally manifest itself. Chasing it for 20 years. The infamous accusation aimed at Millennials is that they can’t afford their own homes because they spend all their money on avocado on toast – a distorted presentation of reality, so to ignoreContinue reading “20 year of coffees and Train tickets to nowhere in particular”
Do we need ‘The New Deal’ for sex?
“How the fuck do you know if that’s in your head or not?” Prez Pryzbylewski, The Wire. Before I even begin to scrawl these admittedly conceptually disjointed thoughts, I realise I could be acting recklessly. I, in no way, intend to speak in favour of abusers, but such grey areas of consideration must now beContinue reading “Do we need ‘The New Deal’ for sex?”
The white noise of self-improvement instructions
It’s 6am, I’m back at my parents, lying in bed after a skinful that actually lifted me for once. But as the dog barks from early walkers trigger prongs of an intruder’s morality, I remember that I’m a body that must act, and act quickly. One must lift up and make their flesh out ofContinue reading “The white noise of self-improvement instructions”
If only I’d been kept behind
I remembered something today that I don’t often think about, and, thus doesn’t feature in my personal narrative. When I was 4 years old my nursery school teacher was concerned that I wasn’t developing to the same standards as the rest of my group, and she suggested to my mother that I be kept behindContinue reading “If only I’d been kept behind”
Is there freedom in accepting failure?
Another heavy night, waking up cringing at the ritual, the darkest of my albums on my last played. Regrettable messages sent. Yet somehow, despite an aching injury keeping me awake, I woke up feeling alright. The inner monologue, the mode I go into as I react to the world and the state of affairs IContinue reading “Is there freedom in accepting failure?”
John B Ledger 