John B Ledger

Did spring 2020 even happen?

I sometimes make myself feel better, for about 10 seconds, by merely remaining in a thought exercise, where I am not in the daily grind. The mental picture that I have is of the early weeks of the 2020 lockdown. I was actually working. Because it was the lighter end of being an essential workerContinue reading “Did spring 2020 even happen?”

Between the dopamine scream and the dread-filled retreat

Dopamine dark highs that become fixtures. Weekend crashes that you see in advance. What can you do this time to satisfy the toxic pact of pleasure, self-destruction and shadowy-searching for humiliation? A long-held conviction concealed even from my sober self, that the connectivity and bonds that make life alive are impossible to attain. The moreContinue reading “Between the dopamine scream and the dread-filled retreat”

Arc

I’m glad to be back up here. I know the sentiment, and thus there need be no doubt over my convictions. I’m here as a stalker of exits; peering into this morose land, and trying to unveil and unravel the knots in our Geist. Knots in which we are all tied, condemned to be bothContinue reading “Arc”

I stare at bus stops, and it brings me home.

Late November 2003 I’m losing weight again. I’m ‘winning’ though, I tell myself. I’m successfully skirting the impurity of life. Regulating food intake, regulating exercise, regulated hard work and regulated social interactions. “Never get too close” from where the flesh would expose its foolish core, and be tainted in another’s eyes in tones one doesn’tContinue reading “I stare at bus stops, and it brings me home.”

Uncountable train journeys to Nowhere

The existential predicament of trying to get somewhere but never getting anywhere defines my adult life, but, by extension, my inability to actually arrive in adulthood. It’s a small story, based on a small measure of freedom to act in ways that I deemed would get me there, against a background of big big stories;Continue reading “Uncountable train journeys to Nowhere”

My last day in Dufton

I’m back in Barnsley now… Leaving Dufton, and back into Darton. Back on the heel of the hills I have spent six months in. Well, not quite. This area of the North Pennines is its own place, not really comparable even to other parts of the so-called ‘backbone of England’. I find it hard toContinue reading “My last day in Dufton”

What to do? In this city, in this world

Edited version of text originally posted in Autumn 2016. I got the express train across the pennines. I’ve always wanted to reach the Metropolis on the other side, only to repeatedly realise it’s no lost world, no place where things are done differently, after all. “What spurs me on to travel to other towns andContinue reading “What to do? In this city, in this world”

Running on Gaslight

Running on Gaslight is my most recent drawing. Been working on this idea for most of the year, so it was nice to finally execute it. The work is around 80×130 cm, but I can’t be certain, and it’s mixed media. No further explanation needed. (ps. why does WordPress make a dog’s dinner of photosContinue reading “Running on Gaslight”

Retrieval

I’m fully aware that buying back a work that you sold to somebody, when you don’t have much money yourself, still looks like more money than sense. But long story short, “I want none of this” from 2010/11, is one of my most important works, and also a work that the now/then-owner had no realContinue reading “Retrieval”

What I could have been doing right now.

As of 13 October 2023, I should have been just starting a PHD – right now. In Autumn 2022 was just in the final stages of submitting the proposal to the University of Leeds. The proposal would be unconditionally accepted, but the idea began to fall apart in early 2023, when I was trying toContinue reading “What I could have been doing right now.”