It’s creeping in again, it’s such a familiar pattern now.
A few social interactions that left an unwelcome aftertaste, alongside too much repetition of habits you now fear will be written on your tombstone (if you get one), and the aftertaste begins to spread to all corners of your skull.
Normal habit would be to seek a shut down; sabotage all signs of showing up, like a losing army in retreat.
Sometimes I get so sick of myself it’s like you see yourself reduced to your own bodily excrement and nothing else.
I was 41 on Friday. So far this is has by no means my worst winter.
Since my late 20s each most of them have felt like private humiliations, and there’s been a long list of self destructive actions to go with it. But thiis one hasn’t been quite so bad.
However, something is coming up now, after a lot of birthday social stim in places that know my face all-too-well. And now comes the need to disappear.
Yet, I know that this isn’t what I should do. I know that this year I should not listen to those emotions, I should see it through.
The task is still to get to a point where I am no longer trying to get out of my life, and I know that this year has to be the year where I stay with myself.
I’m hoping I’m just in need of a good night’s sleep.
But there’s a downer at my door. Yet, the best thing I can do tonight is make sure all the windows are closed.
John B Ledger 