A hell of lot of water has passed under the bridge since a group show I was part of (Fighting For Crumbs: Art in The Shadow of Neoliberal Britain) was exhibited at the World Transformed event, at The World Transformed, in Liverpool in 2016. I started to think back as this year’s event occurs, as it always does, as a conflicting yet fringe event of the annual Labour Party conference in the same city.
A lot has changed, a lot has remained the same, personally and societally.
Personally 2016 was a difficult time, but to be honest with many echoes of my present: burnout and conflictual feelings about the work I make.
The video above shows the Fighting For Crumbs project for the depth and texture of artistic practice and experience that it brought together to talk about a broad but specific theme. It is a brilliant video created by Connor Mattheson, here as part of Dead Idea, who was a central part of the whole project.
It brings back a lot of troubled memories. Struggling to deal with negativity, not realising that I was refracting and then projecting my own shitty sense of self worth through my complex political compositions. This doesn’t reduce the quality of the images, but I have embarrassing memories of the problems created by trying to fuse visual art with political activism. Some of the comments I got, which, to be honest, were well founded, but nonetheless, left me feeling a little beaten and lost.
Apologies for making this overtly about MY mental health. I just wanted to reflect on this moment, because I have a lot of uncomfortable feelings. Memories of feeling like a prick with a painting in his hand, as young left wing event organisers frustratingly brushed passed me, wondering what the fuck I was doing there, beating myself up for next couple of months; even getting into a phase of resenting ‘the left’ that is no good when you want the same things as the people who you felt ghosted you.
It was a learning process that I should have, and still can learn more from. It certainly changed my approach to my feelings about the role of art. At that moment, it felt like I’d led others into a project that was a mistake, for being too close to political activism, and I felt a lot of guilt for this.
But the best thing I can say, is that I need to remember that despite how I was feeling, I was central to making Fighting For Crumbs happen, and it was a bloody good project. 6 artists, with help from others, produced an project, that spanned Sheffield and Wakefield, and then ended up in Liverpool. We did good. Dare I say that I did good. It just wasn’t so easy to see it at the time.
John B Ledger 